From emotional to effective: Handling a difficult conversation

You know that feeling of anxiety before a difficult conversation - your heart’s racing, you can’t get your thoughts in order, and you’re desperately trying to think of legitimate reasons to postpone the meeting.

It’s not what you expected to feel as a manager! But it happens every time you’re about to tackle a sensitive subject - like performance, behaviour or pay.

In moments like these, skill matters, but state comes first. If you can regulate your emotions before the conversation, you think clearly, listen better and land your message with care and authority.

Getting your nervous system under control

When we feel threatened or judged, our attention narrows and we default to fight, flight or freeze. Not exactly fertile ground for empathy, curiosity or proportionate action! The good news is, there’s some small, quick actions that can calm your physiology and bring your prefrontal cortex back online, which improves perspective, self-control and decision-making.

1) Name what you feel.

By naming what you feel, research suggests that labelling your emotions can take some of the sting out. Before you go in, quietly name the feeling and where you notice it in your body - it sounds silly, but it’s a simple trick that works a lot better than you’d expect.

2) Use a controlled-breathing exercise.

Once you’ve named the feeling, take 30–60 seconds to slow your breathing:

• Inhale gently for 4 seconds

• Hold for 1–2 seconds

• Exhale for 6–8 seconds

This is another one of those tips that sounds too simply to work, but it really does help! Research shows that slower, deeper exhalations can lower heart rate and reduce the intensity of anxiety. While you do this, try to notice where you might be tensing up (for example, clenching your jaw) and consciously focus on relaxing.

3) The final tip? Finding the time to prepare yourself! As they say: “fail to prepare, prepare to fail”

Preparing for a difficult conversation

You won’t always have time to sit down and prepare for a tricky situation - sometimes you’ve got the five minutes between receiving an email, and walking into a meeting room. There’s still a few things you can do to prep yourself before walking into the conversation:

1) Script your first line

Plan a calm, factual opening that aligns intentions and prevents a rambling start (we’ve all been there!). For example: “Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. I want to talk about how we can work together on [issue], and create a plan we both feel comfortable with.”

2) Consider your colleague’s emotional state

Did they know this chat was coming, and spend all night worrying? Or are they completely blindsided, and reacting defensively? Neither of these examples are ‘bad’, but it’s helpful to understand the other person’s current state. Giving them the chance to regulate their own emotions is just as important as regulating your own!

4) Think about tactics

These can help under pressure because the behaviour is pre-decided. For example, “If I notice I’m speaking too fast or digressing, I’ll pause and take a sip of water.” or “if I notice the conversation is becoming unproductive, I’ll work on re-aligning our intentions” (great video on this from Paul below!).

Watch this 2min video to understand why your

conversations keep going wrong!

What to do during the conversation

Even with solid preparation, emotions can rise again. We’re only human! But these tips can help you steer the conversation back on track:

Pause, then breathe.

Go back to the breathing exercise - discreetly of course! It can help reduce those anxious feelings that crop up mid-conversation.

Name, ask, listen.

You might say, “I’m noticing this feels like a sensitive topic - how are you feeling?”. Being open about what’s going on, and asking for their opinion, can signal psychological safety.

Use SBI for clarity.

Situation, Behaviour, Impact keeps feedback specific and proportionate. You should clarify the situation, describe the behaviour, then share the impact.

Stay policy-aware.

If the topic edges toward conduct or capability, follow your organisation’s process and UK guidance. ACAS advises employers to follow a full and fair procedure in line with the Code of Practice for any disciplinary or grievance case.

Common conversation pitfalls

Rushing in hot!

If you feel wound up, don’t go rushing into a call or meeting. Ask to delay the start by ten minutes, breathe, and do the quick prep - this is useful whichever side of the table you’re on.

Getting stuck on your story.

Notice the assumptions you’re making about intent, or the perspective you’re holding. Use SBI to clarify what’s going on and avoid making up a narrative - you’d be surprised how wrong your own assumptions can be.

Avoiding until it escalates.

You should find an early, informal resolution where possible, before formal steps are needed. Don’t let a situation simmer for weeks before addressing it!

Where training helps

At BiteSize Learning we specialise in human, skills-focused training that helps people enjoy work and perform better. Regulating yourself is the doorway to empathy, clarity and proportionate action.

If you want to give your team practice with managing difficult conversations, our two-hour Difficult Conversations session does exactly that.